Top Must Have Summer IS Never Ending Toys
Summer is nearly over. Sure some parts of the country still have their roads literally melting underneath car tires but that basically means summer is over right? Who says global warming is a bad thing? Idiots, that’s who! Without unseasonably warm weather we couldn’t have late water balloon fights, October swim parties, or beachfront property in Arizona. Since it will soon be a frozen wasteland outside and your children are going to be cooped up in front of the TV for the next six months, you should probably encourage them to get the last drops of vitamin D they will have this year. So we did you the favor and complied this top list of must have “summer” toys for them. Some of these aren’t actually just for them. They are for your sanity.
Nothing says good clean summer fun quite like going on a murderous rampage through your back yard looking for flies to clip.
Just fill this baby up with salt and blow the little bastards away.
This summer choose to slaughter your enemies without having to waste time filling balloons individually. Fill um all at once! Hundreds of balloons in mere minutes means more time beaning Billy in his toothless face. What a time to be alive!
With unlimited water power at your devious disposal, this mega Monster Water Cannon is just the thing every kid needs to defend his fortress from his evil little sister this summer. After spending three to four months stuck inside this winter its only natural to want to engage in warfare with your siblings. Let them blow each other away with seriously the coolest water turret system in existence. Not gonna lie, I’m what this trap of a society calls an adult and I want one desperately. Mostly for use on Trick-or-Treaters though.
Adulting is hard.
What kid doesn’t love playing with projectiles? These are no exception. Hours of fun will be had launching these little puppies. The launch tube has been redesigned to allow for maximum launch height. The worst part is going to retrieve the rockets after they come back down, but that’s your kids problem. Nothing good comes without its price.
Buy two and setup on opposite ends of the yard for a bombing party. Take turns being North Korea and the U.S. and have fun pretending you’re dropping the next nuke on each other and turning summer into a nuclear winter.
Good clean summer lovin’ fun. Good times!
Seriously. WTF ARE THESE THINGS? I really don’t know but kids seem to go ape shit over them. Sure they look like they got stuck in a Chinese version of Willy Wonka but that won’t stop them from harmlessly crashing into each other for hours of outdoor summer fun. So who cares how ridiculous they look when they are off doing something where you can ignore them and get back to your Steel Reserve and Pall Malls? Am I right?!
All kidding aside, these are pretty awesome body bubbles. High quality and tons of fun. Violet Beauregarde body double be dammed. Suit up!
Probably one of the most kick ass kites we’ve seen this summer. As far as summer toys go this one should pretty much satisfy any kid. If it doesn’t then you should trade it in for a new model. Seriously, your kid is defective. Get a new one.
LOOK AT THIS THING! It’s a FREAKING JET!!! All we had for kites back in the day was a shitty garbage bag tied to a few twigs. And we were pretty damn happy about it too. This generation of whipper snappers are pretty lucky. Not as lucky as we are as parents for getting to play with these awesome toys while the kids ignore everything and paste themselves to mommy’s $600 iPad babysitter.
Speaking of garbage bags, check this next “toy” out.
Yes, you guessed it. That is a giant, uncut trash bag. Someone at the Glad factory fell asleep on the job and forgot to turn the cutter on. When he woke up he wasn’t very glad. He was mad. But then he found a way to make use out of this major screw up. He didn’t really have a choice since his job was on the line. If he lost his job, his wife would leave him for an accountant named Keith. He had zero options.
One day after the incident he was at the park, crying and breathing heavily into one of the 50′ long garbage bags. He laughed because it looked like a giant black penis, then he cried again because Keith was Black and once his wife went black he knew it was impossible for her to come back. Laws of physics or something.
All of a sudden, the bag of dicks started floating! As if some magical fairy demon hell bent on helping this poor guy lifted it up! Or, you know, the sun. But this guy was an idiot so he believed in such things.
I know what you’re thinking. This is impossible! I agree, I’ve never heard of a black guy being named Keith either. Let’s just move past the implausible mundane details shall we?
Pretty neat huh? Science meets mistakes meets dicks. Sounds like summer fun time to me!